Shot or Get off the Pit

A bar, Karaoke area upstage. Toby Keith (any song, or an imitation) quietly churns and hisses at us through speakers that seem to only have tweeters. FINN is at the bar, JENN is standing by the toilets on a cell phone.

JENN

(too controlled, too articulate)

You are in what, Judd?...

Why, ever, would you punch him?...

I see.

This isn't good for the image, Judd...

She walks back to the bar.

JENN

Well, I think you should just stay there for the night; we'll think of something to do...

Would you like to speak with your brother?...

She gives Finn the phone. His face goes from general pleasantness to disbelief to concern. He closes the phone and gives it back to the Mayor.

FINN

Your husband is very mad at me

and I think I know why.

JENN

Why would Judd be mad at you?

FINN

I know about Perdita Basser,

and I'm pretty sure you know too.

JENN

And I know you're too kind to let that hurt me or Judd.

She takes his hand and puts his head on her shoulder. He kisses her and immediately breaks away; some spastic apologies. Music fades out.

JENN                                                                         FINN

No, don't, it's alright.                                                 you look like he did without the...

He points to his face.

FINN

Oh. It's my turn.

Finn on Karaoke: “When It's Springtime in Alaska (It's Forty Below)” with air guitar solo. Jenn examines herself with a spoon.

JENN

Oh.

I do, don't I?

The song ends, Finn returns.

JENN

Ugh! I can't see myself as a woman, now!

She throws away the spoon.

FINN

(smiling)

The better to fill you with cruelty.

JENN

Well, I could say the same to you.

A beat.

FINN

(trying and failing to hide an emotional breakdown)

This can only end horribly.

JENN

Don't say that.

We are all capable of being saved.

We can all be kind, we can all be fond.

FINN

(smiling, wondering)

...How?

Jenn stands, offering her hand.

JENN

...If you can't be nice, at least be vague.

A pause before Finn has an hysterical fit of laughter, falling to the floor. Jenn assists Finn, now covered in sawdust, to his feet. Exeunt, with difficulty.

Fin

Shoney's-Town Hall

A few hours later, mild disarray. JUDD is on the table tearing down bunting, GILL, sitting is taking advantage of the situation. He sings the last verses of “North to Alaska” beating a rhythm on the table.

GILL

George turned to Sam with his gold in his hand

Said, “Sam you're a-lookin' at a lonely, lonely man.

I'd trade all the gold that's buried in this land

For one small band of gold to place on sweet, little Jenny's hand,

“'Cause a man needs a woman to love him all the time.

Remember Sam a true love is so hard to find.

I'd build for my Jenny a honeymoon home

Below that old White Mountain just a little southeast of Nome”

A Beat.

GILL

A hell of a party.

Judd looks down and smiles nervously.

GILL

Jenny is really quite the forceful and executive speaker.

I'm sorry we couldn't get Perdita here;

we—

...There was a situation.

A too firm tug from Judd.

GILL

Can I ask you a few questions, Judd?

With trembling hand, Judd allows Gill to assist him down, he sits. Gill pulls out his pad.

GILL

This is completely informal

but I want to be certain of a few things.

When Perdita Basser was treated for burns to her face,

you told me she had been struck with a grilled mooseburger.

Judd responds with a small, vigorous head nod.

GILL

Which, on its way to her face,

went through a glass of spiked—maybe—lemonade.

The nod again.

GILL

You didn't directly witness any of this,

A shake this time.

GILL

but you kindly saw it as your duty to take her to the ER.

A nod.

GILL

It's been quite a string of bad luck for her:

First her husband goes MIA...

or was the euphemism AWOL?

And since then she's had this chronic congestion

and now this.

Do you know how much cough syrup she's had to buy?

A blank stare straight ahead.

GILL

I would say it's too much for five people

but I don't have chronic congestion.

A sharp intake of breath.

GILL

“Suspicion of what?” you ask?

Well, cough syrup isn't only used to bring mucus to the tip of the throat.

It can be made into—let's call it “cherry candy”.

O, and Mis'ess Basser treated it like an art,

“Perdy's spring harvest is gonna make you see through time,” you'd hear the Treasurer say.

Today, Phinny and I went to her house to find out what, exactly, she was growing

and we found out when it blew up.

Thank God it wasn't in her face this time

and thank god it wasn't a mooseburger.

A Beat.

GILL

I hope you didn't tell Jenn about it.

We see Judd losing his temper and feel the threat of an impending fight. Blackout.

Shoney's-Town Hall

A few tables have been aligned with perhaps too many chairs surrounding them. Patriotic table covering and bric-à-brac. JENN is standing on the table hanging bunting, JUDD is arranging placements and taking advantage of the situation. Jenn looks like a high-end prostitute for America! Judd wears his hockey jersey over a shirt and tie. They try to whistle Sousa's “Washington Post March” but it turns into “The Liberty Bell” and/or “Semper Fidelis”.

JUDD

You're right. “At least it isn't mono.”

JENN

And she's going to be such an asset.

Nobody can attack me on this.

I could drown puppies on live TV,

No one would dare go after a young mother.

JUDD

Unless they're stealing from the Government.

Jenn finishes decorating, Judd assists her down.

JENN

Exactly!

You know, Judd,

I sometimes think you're the only one that understands me,

and for that, I love you.

They kiss. They continue setting places.

JUDD

Does he love her?

JENN

Does Big EZ love Devon?

He'd better if they're going to get hitched.

JUDD

No shotgun right?

It's gotta look legit.

A Beat.

JUDD

Did I tell you about his mother?

JENN

(There will be a temptation, but don't get smug.)

No. What's there to tell?

They're trash. Our constituents, if you will.

We know all about their demo.

Judd arrests her activity and whispers in her ear for at least ten seconds. Her face goes from general pleasantness to disbelief to concern.

JENN

Is she using?

JUDD

No.

She justs makes it and sells it.

As far as I know.

JENN

Well.

(a flash of pensiveness)

She is an entrepreneur.

And I salute her.

(she does this)

JUDD

What if somebody finds out?

JENN

We'll find any way we can to protect my image.

...or change it.

They resume their work. Slow fade to black.

The Front of the Basser Residence

Phineas “FINN” Arcaddy and GILL walk in tandem singing Johnny Horton's “North to Alaska” to Perdita Basser's door (downstage, center). Finn has no goatee; please do anything else (within reason) to distinguish Finn from Judd (in general, slightly more stylish). Gill should appear vaguely off-duty, but very patriotic.

BOTH

Where the river is windin'

Big nuggets they're findin'

North to Alaska

They're goin' north, the rush is on.

GILL FINN

Way up north. North to Alaska.

Way up north. North to Alaska.

FINN

(whispering in Gill's ear; visible but inaudible)

You're such a fag.

GILL

(quietly, pinching Finn's ass)

Don't I know it.

If we get Jenn elected, we never have to see her again?

FINN

Her literature says that she's, “gonna get on Washington like a piranha,” or—

GILL

No, she changed it to “Kodiak”.

(brandishes a paw)

“Jenn the Den Mother.”

FINN

Anyway, some voracious terror.

A Beat.

FINN

This is taking a long time, isn't it?

GILL

Let me try knocking.

He raises a fist as the door opens. This is a duet.

FINN

Hello, Mis'ess Basser. How are you today?

BOTH

Good.

GILL

FINN

Mis'ess Imogen—

GILL

call her “Jenny”—

FINN

Arcaddy—

GILL

My good friend.

FINN

My sister in law—

GILL

Who loves us dearly—

FINN

is running for Senate—

GILL

A great office—

FINN

in Alaska—

GILL

A great state.

FINN

She wants to get down to Washington—

GILL

and re-introduce those elitist politicians—

FINN

GILL

FINN

She's gonna take Washington like a Kodiak—

They brandish their outside paws.

GILL

FINN

And she's going to get what she wants!

GILL

Or she'll come back here—

FINN

And take this state—

GILL

This great state—

FINN

and its oil back for us—

GILL

Away from tax-and-spend liberals—

FINN

And their New York standards—

GILL

And San Francisco values—

FINN

America needs its real values back—

GILL

Its standards—

FINN

Back to Reagan's ideals—

GILL

His principles—

FINN

It can be Morning in America, again—

GILL

With solid economic standards—

FINN

Trickle-down principles—

GILL

Strong moral ideals—

FINN

Treacle-down moral economics—

GILL

Good American marriages—

FINN

Common sense American values—

GILL

Common sense moral standards—

FINN

Genuine economical marriages—

GILL

Like Judd and Jenn—

They do the paw thing again.

FINN

Like Jenn the Den Mother—

GILL

Who loves us dearly—

FINN

BOTH

Sin in sincere?

(slower)

GILL

And we sincerely hope you'll come—

FINN

to the local RNC meeting tonight—

GILL

At the Shoney's—

FINN

At the Town Hall—

GILL

At the Shoney's-Town Hall.

FINN

And it's not even rubber chicken.

GILL

Those Republicans set you up!

Half a Beat.

FINN

Perdy, do I smell you making cherry candy?

A flash of light and sound from a tiny explosion.

BOTH

Oh my God.

GILL

Finn, get my radio and call the FD here.

I'm sorry, Perdy.

Finn exits running. Slow fade to black as Gill reads Perdita her Miranda rights.

FINN

This won't be good for the image!

Medical Exam Room

The application of disinfectant on a cotton swab by the NURSE to PERDY's injury as they sit facing each other. Bandages are reapplied. An examination table is obscured by a privacy curtain.

NURSE

You're healing nicely in just a week.

You might even get away without any scars

...Nothing disfiguring anyway.

The doctor says you're well enough to do this on your own;

Just put on this salve and replace your bandages every day,

Gently, just like I'm doing.

Okay. That feels better, right?

Perdy nods her head.

NURSE

(gestures toward the curtain)

Now. I have to see about this.

Her mother's coming to pick her up

but did you want to stay?

Perdy shakes her head and makes a polite and hasty exit.

NURSE

Okay. We'll see you next week!

A Beat.

NURSE

(to the curtain)

Are you alright? Do you want another People?

I'm sure I can find one without Angelina on the cover.

A Beat.

NURSE

If you want me to tell her, I can

But you'll feel better if you do it yourself.

I know it feels like the end of the world,

but it isn't.

JENN enters. The Mayor wears clothes that can only be described as glamorous and tasteless at the same time. This must contrast with everyone else who simply dress for cold weather.

NURSE

Hello, Mayor Arcaddy.

JENN

I was carpooling practice, but I got here as fast as I could. How's Mis'ess Basser?

NURSE

Oh, are they married?

I have to tell you, I see, uh, accidents all the time

but this actually makes it, uh, sweet. You know?

Half a Beat.

JENN

I meant, “How is Perdy Basser?” Where is my daughter?

NURSE

(gestures to the curtain)

She's in there.

She has something important to tell you.

JENN

(into the curtain)

Devon?

What happened?

(hushed, to the Nurse)

What happened?

NURSE

I guess she's decided to let me tell you.

She is pregnant

with Ezekiel Basser's baby.

The Nurse winces slightly but the Mayor's stern face turns into a cautious smile.

JENN

(if you really want to do the voice, this is your only chance)

Well, praise be to God!

I thought she had mono or something!

Quick fade to black.

Emergency Admittance, Exterior

Guillaume “GILL” Donoray (played by the actor playing JENN and PERDY) approaches JUDD; He wears a goatee and a trooper uniform.

JUDD

Oh, hey, Gill.

GILL

Hi, Judd.

JUDD

Uh, do you think Mis'ess Basser is going to be okay?

GILL

Yeah, I think it just looks more horrifying than it actually is. It's only first or second degree burns but, you know, it got—

JUDD

—so much of her face.

GILL

Yes. Now. I understand you told the nurse it was an

(checking a notepad)

...errantly flung mooseburger that caused all this?

JUDD

Yes.

GILL

They extracted some glass fragments, do you—

JUDD

She had a lemonade at the time.

It must've gone through her glass.

GILL

All of us noted a strange odor—

JUDD

(slight flash of panic)

It was Country Time,

mixed with some Everclear, maybe.

We treat the moose meat with a preservative.

GILL

Alright.

Now, did you see who flung this mooseburger?

JUDD

No.

That is, I'm sure it was one of the boys.

Probably one of the centers,

But no one is going to nar—

(catches himself, sharp intake of breath)

rat anyone out.

It would be useless to ask any of them.

GILL

Hm. I just want to know what you know in case Mis'ess Basser wanted to press any ch—

JUDD

Oh, I take full responsibility.

GILL

Though I don't imagine that she would.

JUDD

Me either.

Gill continues writing in his pad in five seconds of silence.

JUDD

You know what? I have some of Jenny's campaign literature for you and Phineas in the truck.

Could I get you some?

GILL

Why, sure.

Judd exits. Gill continues writing, whistling a verse of Tillman Franks' “When It's Springtime In Alaska (It's Forty Below)”. As Judd returns, Gill finishes writing with a flourish and sings.

GILL

When it's Springtime in Alaska, he'll be six feet below.

JUDD

Okay, basically the only new item is the change of the word “values” to the word “standards”.

GILL

JUDD

You'll really have to ask Jenny.

A Beat.

Is Perdy going to be alright?

Fade to black as Gill looks over his notes, giving a

non-committal head nod.

Den and Crawl Space in Perdita Basser's House

Several weeks earlier, Perdita “PERDY” Basser (played by the same actor as the JENN, in a wig that doesn't care if the audience can tell) sits, attending to an apparatus in a small closet-like area from which a slight glow and sizzle are emitted. The den can be suggested solely by a couch. Perdy wears a short sleeved shirt and a sweater vest. Her arms hang at her sides, her hands tremble slightly. Jenn's husband, JUDD Arcaddy (played by the same actor as the NURSE) enters wearing a hockey jersey under a heavy jacket. He has a goatee which doesn't have to look too real. He stays close to the entrance O.S. left and shouts.

JUDD

Mis'ess Basser?

The guys just won their first game

thanks mostly for your son,

and we thought we'd have dinner at Shoney's-Town Hall

and we'd love it if you'd come.

Jenn would love it if you came to an RNC meeting for a free meal

I think the imported salmon is a little...

extravagant, most people would probably be fine with that rubber chicken.

He cautiously starts searching for her.

JUDD

Big EZ (Easy)—sorry—Zeke said you'd be very busy,

but I told him:

Sometimes you just have to celebrate

and be around happy people.

Reward yourself, you know?

He sees her and heads in her direction.

JUDD

Even if you're just struggling to survive.

I mean, look at our kids.

High school is the worst time ever

But Zeke and Devon have each other, right?

A Beat.

JUDD

By the way,

I'd like to know your opinion on...Planning.

...Perdy?

He takes hold of her chair and turns her to face him. Think Lila's discovery of Mother Bates at the end of Psycho. Along with her, a smoldering meth lab is revealed. He lets out a small scream, and then tentatively tries to find a way of carrying her, stomping out the remains of the fire.

JUDD

Jesus, Perdy; what are you making here?

She can only succeed in making the M sound before she spits up blood. He starts cursing, randomly interjecting until he reaches the door.

JUDD

Don't answer that.

Uh, uh...do you know what happened here, Perdy?

Uh, you—we were grilling mooseburgers to celebrate the game

and, uh, one of the stupid boys was pretending one of the little burnt ones was a puck

and you caught it right in the face.

You see? Even if we're struggling to survive.

He lays her on a couch and goes to find a towel. O.S. right.

JUDD

Look at the Eskimo—no,

Uh...Inuit

They're nomads and have to leave whenever their resources run out.

But we can't do that

We have to uh, assimilate and be part of civilization, you know?

I'm going to put this on your face, okay?

As he puts the towel on her face, she reaches up.

JUDD

(short burst of hysteria)

DON'T TOUCH IT!!

Ok, we're gonna go.

He carries her out and shouts O.S. Fade to black.

JUDD

ZEKE, START THE CAR!!

Okay, guys change of plans!

Instead of Shoney's, we're having mooseburgers at my house!

We're dropping you off

then I'm taking Mis'ess Basser to the doctor!

She's going to be fine!

Medical Exam Room

The removal of a cotton swab behind a privacy curtain. NURSE pulls away the curtain revealing the sitting Mayor Imogen “JENN” Arcaddy. (We know who this is supposed to be but DO NOT do the voice!) The Nurse wears scrubs in layers, Jenn wears an examination gown.

NURSE

And, with that, we're done.

I'm afraid you can't have your own clothes back;

they're evidence, right now.

We can give you scrubs

and you can raid the Lost and Found for something warmer.

We do offer a sponge bath, but most people prefer to do that at home.

They say it feels safer.

Luckily, you weren't injured.

JENN

(slight flash of panic)

Well, after four kids; and I've been doing Kegels—

A Beat.

JENN

Thank you for all this.

NURSE

Oh, there's no need.

It's almost like instinct, now.

Everything in this job runs together.

I almost forgot!

I'm supposed to offer you Plan B here.

Nurse goes to a cabinet and retrieves a sheet of pills and tears one out.

NURSE

(an instinctual recitation)

Now: this pill will release a synthetic hormone into your system

tricking your body into thinking it's already pregnant,

preventing egg release and/or fertilization.

This may cause a delay in your cycle.

Jenn takes the pill container.

NURSE

Don't open it unless you're sure

Women say they prefer to make that decision at home

and we let them

but, if you do decide to keep it, you have to get rid of the pill.

JENN

What would—?

NURSE

(sternly)

It could fuck up the baby, it could fuck up your organs, it could kill you.

All of which you can avoid if you take the pill as soon as possible.

JENN

I see.

Uh...does my plan cover this? Or—

NURSE

This is supplied by the government

Since, you know, the police are involved.

It's at the discretion of local governments

So, I guess as Mayor you're picking up the tab.

I think it's one of those things that should be Federally run, don't you?

JENN

Yeah.

The Mayor gets an idea. A Beat.

JENN

Just how many...of these incidents occur...annually...about?

Nurse looks at Jenn with a hint of scrutiny.

NURSE

...Too many.

JENN

I see, yes, of course.

A Beat.

JENN

Well, I have to carpool hockey practice tomorrow.

NURSE

I'm afraid there's one more thing.

JENN

But, it's the last game of the season.

NURSE

I hate to do this.

The Nurse finds a legal pad.

JENN

What?

NURSE

I need you to tell me everything that happened to you tonight.

JENN

But I already—

NURSE

I know.

That was mostly to see if you are alright

(gestures to her own head)

up there.

JENN

I see.

NURSE

This is the actual interview.

I know it's difficult but I need you to tell me the complete story of what happened

JENN

I'm sorry, but are you the one who should be doing this?

NURSE

It isn't exactly protocol, but I'm the only person in the area who's qualified and awake right now,

but if you're really a stickler, I have the other guy's home number on speed dial...

Jenn's request is withdrawn with silence.

NURSE

Okay.

Take your time.

You are safe.

There is a counselor in the next room if you need her

She has coffee, tea and cocoa at the ready.

So: whenever you want to begin;

in as much detail as you can.

Jenn adjusts herself. A pause before Blackout.