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| Al Roker called the preempting of the fourth hour of the Today (bidet) show by Wimbledon coverage a "win-win."
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| Fuck you, YouTube:
This video is not available in your country due to copyright restrictions. | |
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| Sniper's Delight
1 part gin (pref. Seagram's Extra Dry) 1 part Irn-Bru (or Mountain Dew)
Chill if desired, DO NOT SHAKE, serve in a shot glass (or glass jar)
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| Broken Window
Deep in the past, far in the future time. Deep in the past, far in the future time. Just 'cause no one saw you, that don't mean it ain't a crime. They say they know me but they only know my name. They say they know me but they only know my name. They're through asking me questions, I ain't gonna learn to sing. If they want it they can take it, they don't need no reason why. If they want it they can take it, they don't need no reason why. The night they took you from me I saw the broken window and I cried, cried, cried, cried, cried... They bound my eyes and they bound my hands. They bound my eyes and they bound my hands. Where they're gonna take me now? No one understands. They say they know me but they only know my name. They say they know me but they only know my name. They're through asking me questions, I ain't gonna learn to sing. Lay their hands upon me now, this midnight blue. Lay their hands upon me now, this midnight blue They didn't know me and they didn't know you. No, no But now they do since the night in the dark when they came for you. I gained the world but I lost your trust. I gained the world but I lost your trust. They throw their money at you, it ain't easy to adjust. Come out, and put your hands on your head. I said come out, and put your hands on your head. Come and join the rest of us, we are already dead. They want it they can take it, they don't need no reason why. They want it they can take it, they don't need no reason why. The night they took you from me I saw the broken window and I cried, cried, cried, cried, cried... Woe unto them if they touch a hair on your head. Woe unto them if they touch a hair on your head. They're gonna join the rest of us, we are already dead They won the battle, but the war is through. They won the battle, but the war is through. They didn't know me and they didn't know you. No, no
But now they do since the night in the dark when they came for you, you, you, you, you, you, oh you, oh you, you, you. | |
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| Shot or Get off the Pit
A bar, Karaoke area upstage. Toby Keith (any song, or an imitation) quietly churns and hisses at us through speakers that seem to only have tweeters. FINN is at the bar, JENN is standing by the toilets on a cell phone.
JENN (too controlled, too articulate) You are in what, Judd?... Why, ever, would you punch him?... I see. This isn't good for the image, Judd...
She walks back to the bar.
JENN Well, I think you should just stay there for the night; we'll think of something to do... Would you like to speak with your brother?...
She gives Finn the phone. His face goes from general pleasantness to disbelief to concern. He closes the phone and gives it back to the Mayor.
FINN Your husband is very mad at me and I think I know why.
JENN Why would Judd be mad at you?
FINN I know about Perdita Basser, and I'm pretty sure you know too.
JENN And I know you're too kind to let that hurt me or Judd.
She takes his hand and puts his head on her shoulder. He kisses her and immediately breaks away; some spastic apologies. Music fades out.
JENN FINN Oh, Christmas on a Cracker!— Oh my God, I'm so sorry!—It's just— No, don't, it's alright. you look like he did without the...
He points to his face.
FINN Oh. It's my turn.
Finn on Karaoke: “When It's Springtime in Alaska (It's Forty Below)” with air guitar solo. Jenn examines herself with a spoon.
JENN Oh. I do, don't I?
The song ends, Finn returns.
JENN Ugh! I can't see myself as a woman, now!
She throws away the spoon.
FINN (smiling) The better to fill you with cruelty.
JENN Well, I could say the same to you.
A beat.
FINN (trying and failing to hide an emotional breakdown) This can only end horribly.
JENN Don't say that. We are all capable of being saved. We can all be kind, we can all be fond.
FINN (smiling, wondering) ...How?
Jenn stands, offering her hand.
JENN ...If you can't be nice, at least be vague.
A pause before Finn has an hysterical fit of laughter, falling to the floor. Jenn assists Finn, now covered in sawdust, to his feet. Exeunt, with difficulty. Fin | |
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| Shoney's-Town Hall
A few hours later, mild disarray. JUDD is on the table tearing down bunting, GILL, sitting is taking advantage of the situation. He sings the last verses of “North to Alaska” beating a rhythm on the table.
GILL George turned to Sam with his gold in his hand Said, “Sam you're a-lookin' at a lonely, lonely man. I'd trade all the gold that's buried in this land For one small band of gold to place on sweet, little Jenny's hand,
“'Cause a man needs a woman to love him all the time. Remember Sam a true love is so hard to find. I'd build for my Jenny a honeymoon home Below that old White Mountain just a little southeast of Nome”
A Beat.
GILL A hell of a party.
Judd looks down and smiles nervously.
GILL Jenny is really quite the forceful and executive speaker. I'm sorry we couldn't get Perdita here; we— ...There was a situation.
A too firm tug from Judd.
GILL Can I ask you a few questions, Judd?
With trembling hand, Judd allows Gill to assist him down, he sits. Gill pulls out his pad.
GILL This is completely informal but I want to be certain of a few things. When Perdita Basser was treated for burns to her face, you told me she had been struck with a grilled mooseburger.
Judd responds with a small, vigorous head nod.
GILL Which, on its way to her face, went through a glass of spiked—maybe—lemonade.
The nod again.
GILL You didn't directly witness any of this,
A shake this time.
GILL but you kindly saw it as your duty to take her to the ER.
A nod.
GILL It's been quite a string of bad luck for her: First her husband goes MIA... or was the euphemism AWOL? And since then she's had this chronic congestion and now this. Do you know how much cough syrup she's had to buy?
A blank stare straight ahead.
GILL I would say it's too much for five people but I don't have chronic congestion. The strange thing is, she only bought enough to avoid suspicion—
A sharp intake of breath.
GILL “Suspicion of what?” you ask? Well, cough syrup isn't only used to bring mucus to the tip of the throat. It can be made into—let's call it “cherry candy”. O, and Mis'ess Basser treated it like an art, “Perdy's spring harvest is gonna make you see through time,” you'd hear the Treasurer say. Today, Phinny and I went to her house to find out what, exactly, she was growing and we found out when it blew up. Thank God it wasn't in her face this time and thank god it wasn't a mooseburger.
A Beat.
GILL I hope you didn't tell Jenn about it.
We see Judd losing his temper and feel the threat of an impending fight. Blackout. | |
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| Shoney's-Town Hall
A few tables have been aligned with perhaps too many chairs surrounding them. Patriotic table covering and bric-à-brac. JENN is standing on the table hanging bunting, JUDD is arranging placements and taking advantage of the situation. Jenn looks like a high-end prostitute for America! Judd wears his hockey jersey over a shirt and tie. They try to whistle Sousa's “Washington Post March” but it turns into “The Liberty Bell” and/or “Semper Fidelis”.
JUDD You're right. “At least it isn't mono.”
JENN And she's going to be such an asset. Nobody can attack me on this. I could drown puppies on live TV, No one would dare go after a young mother.
JUDD Unless they're stealing from the Government.
Jenn finishes decorating, Judd assists her down.
JENN Exactly! You know, Judd, I sometimes think you're the only one that understands me, and for that, I love you.
They kiss. They continue setting places.
JUDD Does he love her?
JENN Does Big EZ love Devon? He'd better if they're going to get hitched.
JUDD No shotgun right? It's gotta look legit.
A Beat.
JUDD Did I tell you about his mother?
JENN (There will be a temptation, but don't get smug.) No. What's there to tell? They're trash. Our constituents, if you will. We know all about their demo.
Judd arrests her activity and whispers in her ear for at least ten seconds. Her face goes from general pleasantness to disbelief to concern.
JENN Is she using?
JUDD No. She justs makes it and sells it. As far as I know.
JENN Well. (a flash of pensiveness) She is an entrepreneur. And I salute her. (she does this)
JUDD What if somebody finds out?
JENN We'll find any way we can to protect my image. ...or change it.
They resume their work. Slow fade to black. | |
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| The Front of the Basser Residence
Phineas “FINN” Arcaddy and GILL walk in tandem singing Johnny Horton's “North to Alaska” to Perdita Basser's door (downstage, center). Finn has no goatee; please do anything else (within reason) to distinguish Finn from Judd (in general, slightly more stylish). Gill should appear vaguely off-duty, but very patriotic.
BOTH Where the river is windin' Big nuggets they're findin' North to Alaska They're goin' north, the rush is on.
GILL FINN Way up north. North to Alaska. Way up north. North to Alaska.
FINN (whispering in Gill's ear; visible but inaudible) You're such a fag.
GILL (quietly, pinching Finn's ass) Don't I know it. If we get Jenn elected, we never have to see her again?
FINN Her literature says that she's, “gonna get on Washington like a piranha,” or— (he consults the pamphlet)
GILL No, she changed it to “Kodiak”. (brandishes a paw) “Jenn the Den Mother.”
FINN Anyway, some voracious terror.
A Beat.
FINN This is taking a long time, isn't it?
GILL Let me try knocking.
He raises a fist as the door opens. This is a duet.
FINN Hello, Mis'ess Basser. How are you today?
BOTH Good.
GILL As you probably know, our Mayor—
FINN Mis'ess Imogen—
GILL call her “Jenny”—
FINN Arcaddy—
GILL My good friend.
FINN My sister in law—
GILL Who loves us dearly—
FINN is running for Senate—
GILL A great office—
FINN in Alaska—
GILL A great state.
FINN She wants to get down to Washington—
GILL and re-introduce those elitist politicians—
FINN to some American ideals—
GILL American values—
FINN She's gonna take Washington like a Kodiak—
They brandish their outside paws.
GILL like a Den Mother—
FINN And she's going to get what she wants!
GILL Or she'll come back here—
FINN And take this state—
GILL This great state—
FINN and its oil back for us—
GILL Away from tax-and-spend liberals—
FINN And their New York standards—
GILL And San Francisco values—
FINN America needs its real values back—
GILL Its standards—
FINN Back to Reagan's ideals—
GILL His principles—
FINN It can be Morning in America, again—
GILL With solid economic standards—
FINN Trickle-down principles—
GILL Strong moral ideals—
FINN Treacle-down moral economics—
GILL Good American marriages—
FINN Common sense American values—
GILL Common sense moral standards—
FINN Genuine economical marriages—
GILL Like Judd and Jenn—
They do the paw thing again.
FINN Like Jenn the Den Mother—
GILL Who loves us dearly—
FINN How can there be any—
BOTH Sin in sincere?
(slower)
GILL And we sincerely hope you'll come—
FINN to the local RNC meeting tonight—
GILL At the Shoney's—
FINN At the Town Hall—
GILL At the Shoney's-Town Hall.
FINN And it's not even rubber chicken.
GILL Those Republicans set you up!
Half a Beat.
FINN Perdy, do I smell you making cherry candy?
A flash of light and sound from a tiny explosion.
BOTH (non-unison) Oh my God.
GILL (far too calmly) Finn, get my radio and call the FD here. I'm sorry, Perdy.
Finn exits running. Slow fade to black as Gill reads Perdita her Miranda rights.
FINN (O.S, shouting) | |
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| Medical Exam Room
The application of disinfectant on a cotton swab by the NURSE to PERDY's injury as they sit facing each other. Bandages are reapplied. An examination table is obscured by a privacy curtain.
NURSE You're healing nicely in just a week. You might even get away without any scars ...Nothing disfiguring anyway. The doctor says you're well enough to do this on your own; Just put on this salve and replace your bandages every day, Gently, just like I'm doing. Okay. That feels better, right?
Perdy nods her head.
NURSE (gestures toward the curtain) Now. I have to see about this. Her mother's coming to pick her up but did you want to stay?
Perdy shakes her head and makes a polite and hasty exit.
NURSE Okay. We'll see you next week!
A Beat.
NURSE (to the curtain) Are you alright? Do you want another People? I'm sure I can find one without Angelina on the cover.
A Beat.
NURSE If you want me to tell her, I can But you'll feel better if you do it yourself. I know it feels like the end of the world, but it isn't.
JENN enters. The Mayor wears clothes that can only be described as glamorous and tasteless at the same time. This must contrast with everyone else who simply dress for cold weather.
NURSE Hello, Mayor Arcaddy.
JENN I was carpooling practice, but I got here as fast as I could. How's Mis'ess Basser?
NURSE Oh, are they married? I have to tell you, I see, uh, accidents all the time but this actually makes it, uh, sweet. You know?
Half a Beat.
JENN I meant, “How is Perdy Basser?” Where is my daughter?
NURSE (gestures to the curtain) She's in there. She has something important to tell you.
JENN (into the curtain) Devon? What happened? (hushed, to the Nurse) What happened?
NURSE I guess she's decided to let me tell you. She is pregnant with Ezekiel Basser's baby.
The Nurse winces slightly but the Mayor's stern face turns into a cautious smile.
JENN (if you really want to do the voice, this is your only chance) Well, praise be to God! I thought she had mono or something!
Quick fade to black. | |
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| Emergency Admittance, Exterior
Guillaume “GILL” Donoray (played by the actor playing JENN and PERDY) approaches JUDD; He wears a goatee and a trooper uniform.
JUDD Oh, hey, Gill.
GILL Hi, Judd.
JUDD Uh, do you think Mis'ess Basser is going to be okay?
GILL Yeah, I think it just looks more horrifying than it actually is. It's only first or second degree burns but, you know, it got—
JUDD —so much of her face.
GILL Yes. Now. I understand you told the nurse it was an (checking a notepad) ...errantly flung mooseburger that caused all this?
JUDD Yes.
GILL They extracted some glass fragments, do you—
JUDD She had a lemonade at the time. It must've gone through her glass.
GILL All of us noted a strange odor—
JUDD (slight flash of panic) It was Country Time, mixed with some Everclear, maybe. We treat the moose meat with a preservative.
GILL Alright. Now, did you see who flung this mooseburger?
JUDD No. That is, I'm sure it was one of the boys. Probably one of the centers, But no one is going to nar— (catches himself, sharp intake of breath) rat anyone out. It would be useless to ask any of them.
GILL Hm. I just want to know what you know in case Mis'ess Basser wanted to press any ch—
JUDD Oh, I take full responsibility.
GILL Though I don't imagine that she would.
JUDD Me either.
Gill continues writing in his pad in five seconds of silence.
JUDD You know what? I have some of Jenny's campaign literature for you and Phineas in the truck. Could I get you some?
GILL Why, sure.
Judd exits. Gill continues writing, whistling a verse of Tillman Franks' “When It's Springtime In Alaska (It's Forty Below)”. As Judd returns, Gill finishes writing with a flourish and sings.
GILL When it's Springtime in Alaska, he'll be six feet below.
JUDD Okay, basically the only new item is the change of the word “values” to the word “standards”. GILL What does—
JUDD You'll really have to ask Jenny. A Beat.
Is Perdy going to be alright?
Fade to black as Gill looks over his notes, giving a non-committal head nod. | |
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| Den and Crawl Space in Perdita Basser's House
Several weeks earlier, Perdita “PERDY” Basser (played by the same actor as the JENN, in a wig that doesn't care if the audience can tell) sits, attending to an apparatus in a small closet-like area from which a slight glow and sizzle are emitted. The den can be suggested solely by a couch. Perdy wears a short sleeved shirt and a sweater vest. Her arms hang at her sides, her hands tremble slightly. Jenn's husband, JUDD Arcaddy (played by the same actor as the NURSE) enters wearing a hockey jersey under a heavy jacket. He has a goatee which doesn't have to look too real. He stays close to the entrance O.S. left and shouts.
JUDD Mis'ess Basser? The guys just won their first game thanks mostly for your son, and we thought we'd have dinner at Shoney's-Town Hall and we'd love it if you'd come. Jenn would love it if you came to an RNC meeting for a free meal I think the imported salmon is a little... extravagant, most people would probably be fine with that rubber chicken.
He cautiously starts searching for her.
JUDD Big EZ (Easy)—sorry—Zeke said you'd be very busy, but I told him: Sometimes you just have to celebrate and be around happy people. Reward yourself, you know?
He sees her and heads in her direction.
JUDD Even if you're just struggling to survive. I mean, look at our kids. High school is the worst time ever But Zeke and Devon have each other, right?
A Beat.
JUDD By the way, I'd like to know your opinion on...Planning. ...Perdy?
He takes hold of her chair and turns her to face him. Think Lila's discovery of Mother Bates at the end of Psycho. Along with her, a smoldering meth lab is revealed. He lets out a small scream, and then tentatively tries to find a way of carrying her, stomping out the remains of the fire.
JUDD Jesus, Perdy; what are you making here?
She can only succeed in making the M sound before she spits up blood. He starts cursing, randomly interjecting until he reaches the door.
JUDD Don't answer that. Uh, uh...do you know what happened here, Perdy? Uh, you—we were grilling mooseburgers to celebrate the game and, uh, one of the stupid boys was pretending one of the little burnt ones was a puck and you caught it right in the face. You see? Even if we're struggling to survive.
He lays her on a couch and goes to find a towel. O.S. right. JUDD Look at the Eskimo—no, Uh...Inuit They're nomads and have to leave whenever their resources run out. But we can't do that We have to uh, assimilate and be part of civilization, you know? I'm going to put this on your face, okay?
As he puts the towel on her face, she reaches up.
JUDD (short burst of hysteria) DON'T TOUCH IT!! Ok, we're gonna go.
He carries her out and shouts O.S. Fade to black.
JUDD ZEKE, START THE CAR!! Okay, guys change of plans! Instead of Shoney's, we're having mooseburgers at my house! We're dropping you off then I'm taking Mis'ess Basser to the doctor! She's going to be fine! | |
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| Medical Exam Room
The removal of a cotton swab behind a privacy curtain. NURSE pulls away the curtain revealing the sitting Mayor Imogen “JENN” Arcaddy. (We know who this is supposed to be but DO NOT do the voice!) The Nurse wears scrubs in layers, Jenn wears an examination gown.
NURSE And, with that, we're done. I'm afraid you can't have your own clothes back; they're evidence, right now. We can give you scrubs and you can raid the Lost and Found for something warmer. We do offer a sponge bath, but most people prefer to do that at home. They say it feels safer. Luckily, you weren't injured.
JENN (slight flash of panic) Well, after four kids; and I've been doing Kegels—
A Beat.
JENN Thank you for all this.
NURSE Oh, there's no need. It's almost like instinct, now. Everything in this job runs together. I almost forgot! I'm supposed to offer you Plan B here.
Nurse goes to a cabinet and retrieves a sheet of pills and tears one out.
NURSE (an instinctual recitation) Now: this pill will release a synthetic hormone into your system tricking your body into thinking it's already pregnant, preventing egg release and/or fertilization. This may cause a delay in your cycle.
Jenn takes the pill container.
NURSE Don't open it unless you're sure Women say they prefer to make that decision at home and we let them but, if you do decide to keep it, you have to get rid of the pill.
JENN What would—?
NURSE (sternly) It could fuck up the baby, it could fuck up your organs, it could kill you. All of which you can avoid if you take the pill as soon as possible.
JENN I see. Uh...does my plan cover this? Or—
NURSE This is supplied by the government Since, you know, the police are involved. It's at the discretion of local governments So, I guess as Mayor you're picking up the tab. I think it's one of those things that should be Federally run, don't you?
JENN Yeah.
The Mayor gets an idea. A Beat.
JENN Just how many...of these incidents occur...annually...about?
Nurse looks at Jenn with a hint of scrutiny.
NURSE ...Too many.
JENN I see, yes, of course.
A Beat.
JENN Well, I have to carpool hockey practice tomorrow.
NURSE I'm afraid there's one more thing.
JENN But, it's the last game of the season.
NURSE I hate to do this.
The Nurse finds a legal pad.
JENN What?
NURSE I need you to tell me everything that happened to you tonight.
JENN But I already—
NURSE I know. That was mostly to see if you are alright (gestures to her own head) up there.
JENN I see.
NURSE This is the actual interview. I know it's difficult but I need you to tell me the complete story of what happened in as much detail as p—
JENN I'm sorry, but are you the one who should be doing this?
NURSE It isn't exactly protocol, but I'm the only person in the area who's qualified and awake right now, but if you're really a stickler, I have the other guy's home number on speed dial...
Jenn's request is withdrawn with silence.
NURSE Okay. Take your time. You are safe. There is a counselor in the next room if you need her She has coffee, tea and cocoa at the ready. So: whenever you want to begin; in as much detail as you can.
Jenn adjusts herself. A pause before Blackout. | |
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| The Harold Lloyd film that used the word "Chink" more times than I had ever heard heretofore and was actually pretty revelatory of the present.
The woman's J her P face when she shook BHO's hand (she was faking it).
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| Shaving a three month old beard is like opening the most disappointing, least surprising present, ever.
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| If you missed Adam Lambert singing Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" on the Idolatry, please imagine the Tucking-It-In scene from The Silence of the Lambs but imagine if "Buffalo Bill" also sang "Cold, Cold Heart" while doing that dance.
This is the level on which I appreciate Mika ("singer").
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| If it smells like garlic pretzel, it's probably Emily Blunt.
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| I Introduction A Company Logo [UNNAMED writes "INRI" on the board behind him with emerging rays; he sits in front of it.] B Cordiality UNNAMED Hello. Yes: I am neither white nor a Native American. Anyway...
II Marketing A The Original HeadOn Commercial HeadOn! Your original commercial was actually brilliant Bordering on art, even. It was absurdly simple and meditative. Perfect for right before Final Jeopardy B Marketing as Product Unfortunately you are better known for that commercial than making a product that... does whatever HeadOn does. This is not a bad thing People saw Cloverfield People liked Cloverfield But the greater cultural impact was the trailer which, quite appropriately, was shown with the Transformers movie C Spite Commerce Your market is exclusively people who saw the commercial and are buying the product out of spite
III HeadOn A No pharmaceutical value Which is good for us because HeadOn does nothing, really. We deserve their spite, They deserve to waste money. B Novelty Item What we have is a novelty item But it doesn't flaunt its uselessness It's no Duck with a Dick. Truly that would try anyone's faith A distant relative of mine once said Everything is Vanity I say: everything is novelty We just need to separate ourselves from duck with a dick.
IV Religion A HeadOn as Faith Speaking of faith: Is not HeadOn a perfect allegory for faith? It has no medical credibility But you can't prove that it won't relieve a headache... If you believe it will. B Religion as Marketing Which is why you've hired me: I'm the greatest product ever sold. Faith is a product and Religion is the Marketing Proto-Marx is quite uninteresting unless it's tarted up with water into wine Even immaculate conception isn't that special Considering how many pagan myths involve it.
V Remixes A Bible as remix My story is a remix But so is every other creative work Yes, that means nothing is original Yes, that means we have stopped evolving Let me cite Duck with a Dick again. But that doesn't mean we can't create beauty. B Introduce song So, I'd like to present my own remix And I think you all know the words, So should the spirit strike you: it's just a rub to the left and a smear to the right With four part harmony and feeling.
- Music:Stompin' Tom Connors - I've Been Everywhere
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| To the tune "Yes, Jesus Loves Me"
Chorus: Head On, apply directly to the forehead. Head On, apply directly to the forehead. Head On, apply directly to the forehead. I hate your commercial, but I love your product.
There's a pain upon my brow Don't I feel a presence: thou? Break the seal and lift the top. Annoint me with this cooling slop.
Chorus
I have got the worst migraine Like a fœtus in my brain. No need to pull out a knife With a tube, I end my strife.
Chorus
For this pounding on my temple Remedies should all be simple. Marketing is not an art When a culture's rent apart.
Chorus
All the studies, they do show: Psychosomatic; yes, I know. Works as good as horse manure, A pound of delusion's worth an ounce of cure.
Chorus
Amen. | |
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| There are some who have criticized Barack Obama's inaugural speech as being uninspiring (Mort Zuckerman for one) to which I say the speech, indeed, was neither florid nor elegant, but it was sobering, authoritative and eloquent, which is what America really needs right now.
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| Start Velvet Underground's "Sister Ray" off White Light/White Heat; after eighteen seconds start Iron Butterfly's "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" off the album of the same title. | |
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