Passenger Car

UNION VETERANS

Our Union, Lincoln, you must save it;

The South would by their wont enslave it.

Equip us rifles, you can trust us.

And thereby grant the Nation Justice.

DUNHAM

Men, let us be gentle in our attack.

We'll show Manton our discipline and our

adherance to law to contrast their lack.

Our morals strong enough to build a tower.

This is no war and there is no danger,

We need neither be sickle nor winepress

Frankly, even the drinks are arranged for

Us. A toast: to America: God bless.

DEPUTY

To Byron Ballon.

The MEN turn this into a game, quickly.

VARIOUS MEN, INDIVIDUALLY

To the city of Cadillac.

To Sheriff Dunham.

Erin go Bragh!

Ffffffff—

To General Grant.

For our Health

Ingenuity

Here's to Justice

Let's Kick Manton in the—

To the Lakes.

Here's to Mitchell.

Our Native friends

To Order

Prosperity

Quick-wittedness

Resourcefulness

For General Sherman

To Tenacity

DUNHAM

Whence comes such guile from this Manton fellow?

He thinks his town earned that seat honestly?

Let him assert it and let him bellow.

Let his multitudes attempt to best me.

While there is no choice but to share the blame

Invariably every treason begets

at least one more: a pity and a shame.

And no one lives without his own regrets.

IRISH CHORUS

Let us have another round, sir;

give us more until we drown, sir!

Bust the door right off its hinge, we

beg you, please, do not be stingey.

VETERANS

Our feet while stomping jackanapes, ye rebel brats,

do with that they were trampling grapes, ye rebel twats.

And wine is perfect, be it sweet or sour

For once it's drunk no one is dour

DUNHAM

So many men here who are proud to serve,

and I do truly stand proud among them.

Citizen or not, they have the same nerve.

By day's end, Manton will be a wrung hem.

SCANDINAVIAN CHORUS

Thanks to Christ, his sacrifices

But my drink in hand suffices.

Blessèd are the faithful, truly

but for now we'll be unruly.

VETERANS

For the Union!

NON-VETERANS

Here's to the Veterans.

ALL

and Wexford county.

THE NEXT MAN

...Aww, goddamit!

Fade and the men arm and disembark.

CIII:
Lutheran Church, Cadillac

Holy
Thursday, the CONGREGATION sings accompanied by an organ.

CONGREGATION

Herre,
du hålla oss ödmjuka. Lord,
please keep us humble.
Flyktiga
nöjen lockar oss inte. Fleeting
pleasures tempt us not.
Ge
oss sannaste Tro och styrka. Grant
us truest Faith and strength.
Och
då vi ska leva som din vilja.
And
then we shall live as your will.

BALLON
and DUNHAM enter and pause before entering the church.

BALLON

We
have your deputies; we have yourself.

DUNHAM

We
have lumberjacks and the mill workers.

BALLON

We
have the Clam Lake Dock...

DUNHAM

and
Dredge...

BALLON

Marching...

DUNHAM

We
have a band.

BALLON

Silver
or something.

We
have the band, no further we can delve—

DUNHAM

Not
a bit.

BALLON

Unless
something else occurs

to
you, you can go once we've asked these

Lutherans.

DUNHAM

Then,
let's corral us some Swedes.

CONGREGATION

Om
man med hans blod vi är tvättade,
If by His blood we are washed,
Först
då kan vi vara rena från synd.
only
then can we be clean from sin.

Tron
kommer att lyfta oss från vetet, Faith
will lift us from the chaff,
och
därmed straff vi är—
and
thereby punishment we are—

BALLON
and DUNHAM enter the church; attention turns toward them. Brief
pause. The organ continues.

BALLON

Friends,
we have a situation, not dire

but
we must pay our attention with haste.

Otherwise,
we could be caught in a mire

and
turn all our great efforts into waste.

Lut
us show Manton our resolve is firm;

The
power of numbers should be questioned not.

Each
great tree started as a seedling germ.

Wexford's
seat shan't be but to us allot.

Pause.

DUNHAM

I
don't think they—

BALLON

If
anyone speaks Eng-

A
SMATTERING

I
do.

BALLON

lish,
kindly, would you help with translating?

Pause.
A TRANSLATOR stands.

TRANSLATOR

Sheriffen
skit sängen igår; The Sheriff shit the
bed yesterday;
som kommer att hjälpa
honom idag? Who will help him today?

Various
MEN stand.

MEN

(non-unison)
Jag
kommer.

Manton,
Immediately after CII

There
is a general celebratory atmosphere.

MEN
and WOMEN

Vict'ry
can't but make us proud

Humble
we are not

Brightly
shall we sing aloud

for
our wealth begot.

TWO

If it
thrills to have gotten the better,

Then
it tis duty that we be the best.

If
Liberty blessed us and we let her,

Then
we have no reason to rest.

MEN
and WOMEN

Shackles
don't divinely tie.

Neither
do they brake.

All
you have to do is try

Freedom
shall we take!

THREE

There's
no exuse to share what we're given.

Faces
are noseless through nothing but spite.

The
freest place that any can live in

shan't
ever concede any right.

MEN
and WOMEN

Leave
our Liberty untred

and
thus ensure

Only
ire will be unfed

and
we'll endure.

ONE

We've
committed a crime, let's not forget—

perhaps
not one we feel need to regret.

However,
we have to face facts and learn:

With
others, that man will return.

MEN
and WOMEN

Surely
now we have no fear.

Nothing
can unnerve.

Bravery
without a peer:

just
as we deserve.

MANTON

If
they come again, then we shall meet them

and
then let the outcome be my arrest.

Until
then however, we will treat them

with a
fight that will be unguessed.

ALL

Vict'ry
can't but make us proud

Humble
we are not

Brightly
shall we sing aloud

for
our wealth begot.

Manton, immediately after MII

The
FOUR MEN OF MANTON are joined by DUNHAM and his DEPUTIES.

DUNHAM

Thank
you, sirs, for your cooperation

DEPUTIES

Truly.

DUNHAM

This
issue is finally laid to rest

DEPUTIES

Duly

DUNHAM

Perhaps
without great anticipation

MANTON
MEN

Then
speak no more.

DUNHAM

To
have this over and done will be best.

DEPUTIES
and MANTON MEN

And
grieve no more.

DUNHAM

So now
everything is settled,

and we
may return and respond

to our
normal duties, nettled

no
more with what this fury spawned.

DEPUTIES

And
thereupon we shall thus go

to
match this peace in future, though

never
through peace is it preserved,

but
equally we all are served.

DUNHAM
and DEPUTIES

How
far better to be like we

and
follow law as writ it be.

ONE,
TWO and THREE

with
gratitude.

MANTON

Through
your example we're kinder.

There
is no better to select

ONE,
TWO and THREE

A true
blessing.

MANTON

Or we
would be that much blinder.

DEPUTIES

An
attitude

worth
adressing.

MEN
and WOMEN of Manton enter as the DEPUTIES leave.

DUNHAM

Good
news! We may depart as friends.

If
there is no more to desire,

then
let time further make amends.

We can
return, fast as a wire.

MANTON

There
is one thing, you've forgotten

You
may think me vile or rotten.

You'll
have trouble running Wexford

without
the cash to back your word.

DUNHAM

If
you've stopped me, I don't see how.

MANTON

I have
your register, hidden.

DUNHAM

You
will produce it here, right now!

MEN
and WOMEN

Denied
no matter how bidden.

MANTON

I
cannot. To be brief then, we

shall
not yield a leaf nor penny.

Unless
you do come back to sue

Until
then, I bid you adieu.

DUNHAM
gives a distraght glare, but receeds back to his DEPUTIES.

MANTON gathers with THREE MEN: ONE, TWO and THREE.

TWO

Well?

ONE

What?

MANTON

We have an opportunity.

TWO and THREE

To?

ONE

What?

MANTON

To keep our seat from that city.

TWO

Oh.

THREE

How?

ONE

What!

MANTON

Everything can be simple if you make it.

We simply do not let them take it.

TWO and THREE

So...?

ONE

Oh, hell!

MANTON

Well: I've taken the one thing that they'll need

to run a profitable county seat.

ONE and TWO

The register?

MANTON

The register and all

the cash therein. Just like when you've a ball,

whomever posesses it runs the game.

We cannot lose.

TWO and THREE

Hear, hear!

ONE

I feel the same,

but we just had public election

And, as you know, there was but one winner

And it wasn't us.

MANTON

That's debatable.

TWO and THREE

Hear, hear!

ONE

I anticipate they will shun

us, our population will grow thinner.

TWO and THREE

Oh, dear.

ONE

What possessed you to think you'll make

democracy retaliateable?

MANTON

Listen! It's our posterity at stake.

Would you rather our children hereafter

to know we were cowards: standing aside.

We'll be peaceful whilst hearing their laughter.

Or: we can take action—

TWO and THREE

Yes!

MANTON

and then—

TWO and THREE

Yes?

MANTON

We'll be remembered, generations hence

For our bravery and our impudence

Yes, this will give them a reason to chide.

A reason for pride, also, nonetheless.

ONE

Is this legal? Isn't this criminal?

Is this how the rebellion started?

And punishable by death, minimal?

Treason's no way to be remembered well

before of after your soul's departed.

And this is not a thing where time will tell.

TWO and THREE

Here and now, this is action we can take

to show that some are unwilling to yield.

And thereby have the Cadillackers quake

MANTON, TWO and THREE

Using only God's mercy as a shield.

DUNHAM

(off stage)

'Tis far better to do as I

and neither ask nor answer why.

Accept it as the people's will

And pledge to further there instill.

MANTON and ONE

Hark!

ONE

They are finished.

MANTON

Let us meet them, then.

ONE

No time to delay this.

MANTON

If not now, when?

ONE

Let's go!

TWO and THREE

To glory, before it's too late!

MANTON

Alright, even if failure is our fate,

we will be able to say “just because

you've won today, does not mean I've lost.

A man of MANTON enters with a banjo (or mandolin).

MANTON

Ladies and gentlemen can we tolerate this?

Cadillac getting exactly what they want:

The entire county's blood filling their font

and surely not one drop would they miss.

Disagree but, these Nordic invasions

are not a blessing to me but a curse.

Next they'll let Injuns at our women or worse.

You'll say, “We just have to have some patience,

Chorus:

“Suffer the tyrrany of Behemoth.”

No. David, he could take down Goliath

and the Philistines. “Don't deny my wrath,”

said God and in this fashion fight, we must.

In their two lakes I can see no virtue

No, true beauty is a contivance of

God; and don't swim therein with your pants off.

The irritation after will hurt you.

That canal is no miracle. 'Twas just

a ditch before they loosened the water.

So they'll pile on votes like lambs to slaughter

You think the seat will sate their greed and lust?

Chorus

These chestnuts, have any of you tried them,

the rank fruit of the trees their so proud of?

A constitution you must be stout of.

If you managed two; all night you'd fight them.

I shall not deny them their industry.

They deserve every scrap of wood and plank

But for us to hang on one would be rank

punishment for being fewer. Must we

Chorus

Cadillac, Michigan

BALLON

And Solomon said, “Take the babe

and divide so each can take her

a half for her own and save

the rest so justice can't injure.

Then we'll need not care to whom

the child, now made a pair, belongs.”

Solomon and I can assume

you know what is made with two wrongs.

One woman said, “Fine. Half a child

is all I need, how wise and right.”

The other said, “I'm not beguiled.

Give her all. Are we Molochites?”

This situation comes again,

sprouting like a field of clover.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

The year of folly is over!

Here restored is the city's will

It's not the best, it's not the worst

As someone said upon a hill—

You know who: the last shall be first.

Now that we have our county's seat

we have reason for folks to come—

and ne'er will that excuse be beat—

they ought to stay, a day or some.

So there you have my proposal:

we have this land and two lakes rich

in beauty at our disposal.

We'll have them here and stake their hitch!

We should have an opera house and

a sporting team; I want people

to flock and stay by the thousand

And what profits we shall reap, all!

I am your new mayor Byron

Ballon. We are so blessed that we

can strike while we have the fire on.

Fueled by the wood of every tree.

And not just wood we have more fruits

to offer, we've planted chestnuts.

This is a delight that sure suits

the gourmets, no ifs, ands or buts.

Have you all seen the miracle,

the canal after the autumn?

It freezes first, not radical

that. If there were bets, I bought them.

And after that the lakes each do

freeze themselves, that's nothing awesome.

But here's something I can teach you

The canal thaws, through the blossom!

Loggers, give me affirmation!

Oh, sheriff Dunham! Please, come here.

I have a task, information.

Ladies and gents, I am done here.

Charles DUNHAM goes to shake BALLON's hand.

Scene A: Sherman, Michigan

The audience waits outside the theatre. A man brings a small box on which to stand. He is a man of SHERMAN. Sherman is an unincorporated community that until today (4 April, 1881) has been the county seat of Wexford. It was the first settlement (twenty years ago, at the start of the Civil War) by non-natives in the county, the home of the county's first post office. Yes, Sherman is named after General W. T. Sherman. The man might have on a Union jacket. He wears a sprig of lilac.

SHERMAN

Ladies and gentlemen, I have gathered
you here today, to recognize a loss.
The county seat will now go to Manton;
I know you who voted here would rather't
stay in Sherman, but we have to respect
the population's will, though it's slantin'.
We are bless'd to have the right to select
such a thing with no tyranny to boss.

This compromise between us and Clam Lake
may be viewed as a mutual loss, but
I see a solution where we all take
a win, and not as in a coin toss. What
brings prosperity to Manton will bring
peace to the county; let's enjoy this spring.


When our kind first settled here on this land,
The nation was irreparably torn,
a vicious war: bloody, immense and grand
rent us apart--and yet we were reborn.

This county squabble is petty, ain't it?
The next generation has it easy:
each freedom paid for; they just maintain it.
Have some reverence for William Tecumseh.

The Lord blooms lilacs, He makes it breezy.
Can't lumber be worth more than a sum, sir?
A Clam Lake man can make himself a chair,
and, bless him, he has no worry for where.
In Manton where not one has need to grouse
They all can joist up a fine, level house.

What condemns “Friday”—more than Rebecca’s bizarre diphthongs, pinched tone or the barely literate lyric (which, as explained in my previous essay, “Friday” is at least literate)—is how unironic the video is.

That is not to say the video is literal; Rebecca enters a fantasy realm before the first verse ends. Even before arriving at the bus stop, there is no attempt at verité. This section is just as staged and choreographed as the rest of the video. The fantasy ride in the car is post-produced beyond recognition: everything is glittery and shimmering; colors pop and bleed everywhere. It’s an acid trip as imagined by young persons (as imagined by their parents). In the end, Rebecca performs the song for her adoring fans/friends: the most fantastic moment of all.

The video is super-figurative, but it is unironic. (As I write this, OpenOffice refuses to acknowledge the word “unironic”.) Perhaps I should suggest another term for the absence of literary irony. This suggestion is: content-adherence.

Let us examine, briefly the quality of cover versions of the song. Mostly, the style has been that of the singer/songwriter (i.e. Bob Dylan): single-voice, single-instrument, modest/non-production. They reject the vocal affectations of modern pop (tits and teeth). One video, however manages to save the song from itself: The Epic Mullet Guy version.

There are three images in this video: mullet guy alone on a couch, mullet guy alone at the piano and mullet guy dancing alone. Mullet guy clearly too old to care about cereal, getting up a 7:00 AM, or getting to the bus stop. Mullet guy doesn’t need friends to party; he is redefining the concept of partying and of the mullet (there is plenty of party in the front of that mullet). If the video were meant to be taken seriously, it would be a fucking downer. But this video is dependent on the existence of Rebecca Black’s video and its own irony.

7:00 AM, waking up in the morning.
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs,
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal;
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’,
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’.
Gotta get down to the bus stop,
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (my friends)

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It’s Friday, Friday;
Gotta get down on Friday.
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend (weekend).
Friday, Friday,
Gettin’ down on Friday.
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend.

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun.
Lookin’ forward to the weekend.

7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway;
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly.
Fun, fun, think about fun.
You know what it is:
“I got this; you got this?”
My friend is by my right:
“I got this; you got this?”
Now you know it.

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes afterwards
I don’t want this weekend to end.

R.B.: Rebecca Black
So chillin’ in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I’m drivin’, cruisin’ (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin’ lanes
Wit’ a car up on my side (Woo!)
(C’mon) Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend
We gonna have fun, c’mon, c’mon, y’all

28 October, 8 November: Cleaning up after a nuclear bomb isn’t pretty or easy, it turns out.

The apathy of the white race—who, it must be said are normally fastidious and productive—are to blame for how entrenched insidious Jewishness* is in the world. The insidiousness of Jews in the world is responsible for the apathy of the white race (and it goes on like this for four fucking pages).

Nuclear airstrike on the Pentagon tomorrow, y’all!

*Take the time to look up how many Jews there are in the world.

18 September: I take back what I said about sentimental writing: “So much has happened, so much has been lost in these last two weeks, I can hardly force myself to begin writing about it. I am alive and in good health, yet there are moments when I envy the tens of millions who have died in recent days. My soul has dried up inside me; I am like a walking dead man.”

Nuclear Civil War and “the Soviets” have lit off a few on us, too. Unit 6 is forced to evacuate. Katherine has a pass made on her by a Black guy. Response: clusterfuck. Katherine and Carol are dead. Bill has to hide in an attic for a few days (not touching that one). Say it with me.

Bitches ain’t shit!

4 September: Earl and another guy get Charlton Heston Touch of Evil Spic-faced (Billy wishes he were clever enough to come up with that one) and go across country to Washington as “Jesus Garcia” and “Corporal Rodriguez”. They don’t pass quite as well as they think they ought and have to shoot up a gas stop taken over by three Black men and a “White renegade”. He’s gotten a little better at writing violent scenes.

(BTW: Billy’s pretty much OBSESSED with white girls getting gang raped by minorities. I’m a hardcore feminist who watches an unhealthy amount of SVU, but, to quote the singular WASP contribution to the world of culture, the lady doth protest too much methinks.)

The Organization has attacked Miami and Charleston with nuclear weapons and has given an ultimatum to the System.

Earl gets to bang Katherine a couple times. He’s getting slightly better at sentimental writing, too. (But who wants to be good at that?)